What the HE double Hockey Sticks am I Thinking Anyway?

I know. I’m either crazy or losing my mind. Maybe both.

Utah? I mean, really, Sarah? Land of giant mountains? Lad of open ranges? Land of hot summers and freezing cold winters? Land of many Mormons and few Methodists?

(NOTE: I have nothing against Mormons! In fact I have several good friends who are LDS. I am simply not Mormon. I am Methodist. And Vernal has approximately 18 Latter Day Saints churches and exactly 0 Methodist churches).

Yes. Utah.

I know. I had a lot of things going for me back home. I had BIG PLANS. I had my own website given to me to run. I had science classes to take. I had plans to become a Certified Diabetes Educator and change the world. I had Big Plans.

None of those big plans are out of the picture. In fact, they are all very much still in the back of my mind. But sometimes, when you’re driving down the interstate, there’s a detour. Pardon the metaphor. But for me, now, it’s totally true. Amidst all of the BIG things, the BIG plans, the BIG life, I was crumbling inside. My relationship, one of the reasons I started caring for my diabetes, was failing. My other relationships were struggling. I was bored out of my mind. I was dealing with the “other D.” I needed a break. A vacation. A change of scenery. I only applied for a few SCA internships, and I applied for them in desperation when a run of 30 job applications (amidst the many I had submitted earlier in the year) left me with one interview and no offers.

I scanned the list of internships. I read “Dinosaur National Monument.” I remembered visiting the monument when I was a child. I remember thinking, a few weeks ago when I saw the job posted, “Wow, I’d love that one.”

And even though I was on the SCA website merely looking and not planning on applying, I hit “send application.”

And then, I got the call. A short, 5 minute interview left me with a job offer.

The catch: I had two days to decide, and a week to get ready.

What was I supposed to do? Turn down this opportunity?

And here I am. In Utah. In the middle of a Cold Desert (emphasis on COLD) on the brink of winter.

Um, Hello? God? Are you up there? WHAT THE HEAVEN ARE YOU DOING???

At this point, I don’t know why I am here. I don’t know why I picked this, knowing it could change the course of my life, knowing it could undo all the work I’ve done in the past 8 months, academically, socially, and romantically, knowing it could mean something completely different for me and knowing I won’t know what that is for a long time. Knowing it will mean times of solitude, something that is very hard for me to handle. Knowing it would mean loneliness Knowing it would mean the end of a three and a half year relationship. Knowing it would mean tears. Knowing it would mean anger. Knowing it would mean sitting in my problems instead of running from them.

I know Utah seems like running. But believe me. The solitude I face out here means actually having to think about things instead of doing everything I can to avoid them.

And now, it’s time for patience. Not something I am known for. I have to wait, and listen. And I am not sure how to do that.

There are a lot of links I could add to this post. But I’m not going to. Because today this isn’t a blog. It’s an outpouring of my soul. Maybe it’s a mistake, but hey, I’ve been pretty good at making those lately.

I sure hope it’s worth it.

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2 thoughts on “What the HE double Hockey Sticks am I Thinking Anyway?

  1. Olivejooice

    I love this post, and how honest it is and how vulnerable you are right now and how willing you are to take on this new journey head on. I know that you will come out of it the other side thankful that you took on something that was completely for you and not anybody else. Good luck Sarah Jane

    Reply

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