When you aren’t perfect, why try?

As much as I work to give myself a new philosophy, I always slide back into the lazy perfectionism. Can’t lose weight? Why try? Can’t resist the chocolate? Why not eat the whole bag? Miss one day at the gym? Why go back?

And for this reason, I ruin relationships, give up on dreams, fail classes, let blogs become unbelievably sick and near death, and let an 8.4 a1c turn in to what I predict will be the worst. A1c. Ever. which will be drawn for next month.

What is happening to me? Why do I let myself spiral down this way? What does it take to bring me back? This time there isn’t a Utah to run away to. The blog is no longer new and exciting. What motivation do I have to continue the good fight? And tell me why I’ve abandoned my twitter world, where I made some of my best friends, who were there to encourage me every step of the way?

What now? Continue trying knowing failure is my only option, knowing I’ll never get it right, or just quit and say forget about it, writing my life off as a mistake that sprung a leak of mistakes that would direct the course of the creek of my destiny?

…*pause while I take my Prozac*

Seriously. What is my DEAL?

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7 thoughts on “

  1. Scully

    We are all still here, we are all still here for you. Positive motivation is a hard thing to harness because it’s not something we can achieve through outside factors. It has to come from inside. Find one positively healthy thing that makes you happy and focus on it. And try not to worry about the rest. One step at a time.

    Reply
  2. Bob P

    I’ve been thinking a lot lately about my favorite aphorism: “The perfect is the enemy of the good.” 90% failure is 10% success, which is better than the 0% success that results from perfectionism-based incapacitation.

    Now what I need is somebody to come every day, say that to me, slap me upside the head, and say it again. :)

    Reply
  3. Nathan

    One of the Bible stories (yes, Bible stories) I enjoy is Exodus 3-4. You see Moses response. Who am I? What if they don’t believe me? What will I say? I don’t want to go. God response is, I will be with you, I will help you speak and will teach you what to say. Life as a Christian isn’t easy. In fact, it’s painful sometimes, but I so love God’s response. “I will be with you.” But the Lord Jesus Christ’s promise is only for his children. I have tasted God’s goodness and I pray I never go back to who I was. I need Jesus Christ, and in needing his help, I rely on God’s strength. God says, go. I say ok or I don’t want to or I cant do it, but I have his promise to be with me, and so eventually I go. You can try to do it on your own strength, if you like. But for me, I’ll stick with Jesus.

    Reply
  4. Nathan

    I forgot to add. The invite to Jesus Christ is always open to anyone. But like I said, being a Christian won’t be easy, but His people have His promise that He will go with them through those painful times.

    Reply
    1. sajabla Post author

      Nathan, I admit when I first read your comment I was slightly upset that you automatically assumed I wasn’t a christian (I’ve blogged about it before). But I also know that even as someone who has a relationship with Jesus Christ it is nice to have a reminder to lean on him when we are prideful and want so much to take care of ourselves. So thank you.

      Reply
  5. zip

    I’m new to your blog but definitely not to the D. I think I’ve been exactly where you were when you wrote this blog many times throughout my life and I’m sure I’ll be there again tomorrow or next week or next year. This disease is so challenging and after 30+ years of it, I’m convinced that while we all share some aspects, there is more struggle for some than others. I have no idea why, no answers. Try not to view anything as a “failure”. That only leads to all or nothing thinking, and when ALL is so overwhelming, NOTHING will inevitably win. It’s a tough road, but I’ve had to drastically change the way I think about these issues and that’s taken a few years of therapy. Thanks for posting — hang in there and be kind to yourself.

    Reply

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