Why I want to lose weight

I’ve battled with this for a long time.

I have really, really, really been working on myself and those around me to accept myself the way I am and not worry about feeling like a failure because I have gained so much weight and continue to gain weight. I have really, really been trying to accept that as fact and move on.

But I can’t do it anymore. Enough was enough.

Yes, it’s a health issue. I was (still am nearly) over 100 lbs above ideal weight (according to BMI, which is crap, but for this purpose). That’s not healthy. Not healthy for diabetics or healthy people.

I’m already battling insulin resistance. Who wants double diabetes?

But it’s more than that. I’ve always been a live in the moment kinda girl. Long term scares me so I continue to not think about it. Long term results are not good motivation for me. Accepted fact about myself. Long term is overwhelming. Long term stresses me out. Forget long term.

But what about short term? What about my self esteem in the bucket? What about the fact that I constantly compare myself to those around me and allow my weight to make me feel badly about myself? What about that?

While I hate – really hate – that it comes down to cosmetic reasons that I joined Weight Watchers™, it does. Sort of.

Self confidence is something women either develop or don’t in their younger years. Most don’t. And I didn’t. I don’t blame my mom, but she battled this issue herself for many years. All though my preteen and teen years, my mother was fighting her own battle. We never talked about it. I didn’t even notice it really. Not until she underwent some big changes her self in recent months. She blogs about that, among other things. You should read it.

No, really, I can’t blame my mother. I can’t blame anyone. It was in the cards for me. A failed almost-engagement. A failed economy. A failed attempt at a career. Failure felt like it was hitting me from every angle. And I ate. And I slept. And that’s all I did.

No, there comes a time in every journey, when you shape up or ship out. I moved out in February. Got a decent (if annoying enough) job, and support myself (for the most part). I pay my rent and utilities and take care of my cats. Super self esteem boost right there. But it’s a struggle. I’ve not been officially on my own for even 8 months yet. I can’t blame myself for struggling. Again, part of life.

Confidence is the key to everything, I think. The key to diabetes management. The key to self worth. The key to self esteem. The key to success, professionally and personally.  If weight loss, diabetes control, or just feeling better in general physically, contributes to my own confidence level, then the cosmetic, social, or health reasons become only secondary. Primarily I’m doing this for me.

Don’t do it for me. I’ve heard that so many times from a few different people. I want to shout, “I’M NOT! IT’S FINALLY FOR ME!”  I read a quote on Pinterest – it’s about your 20′s being your selfish years. I can testify. You have to be selfish in your 20′s, especially if you’re single and chlidless. Otherwise, you don’t have another reason to live. No one else to take care of. You have to make decisions that make you happy – there’s really no one else to make happy.

Losing weight can be selfish. Diabetes control can be selfish. Not doing these things can also be selfish and hurt those around you. But while I love my family and friends with all my heart, quite honestly, my life is about me right now. And that’s why I’m doing this.

When life throws you a swift kick in the eyeballs….

Eyes. Diabetes can have multiple side effects, whether well controlled or not, but more likely if not well controlled. And one major issue is eyes. Diabetic retinopathy can lead to blindness and a whole host of other problems. Needless to say, when my eyes ceased functioning normally for over 30 minutes while I was working yesterday, my only thought was, “I’ve got to get to a doctor.” 

I was just going along normally, taking phone calls, working on the computer, when all of a sudden I couldn’t see. Things weren’t dark, but everything was bright. I could fight it and squint and see the computer out of my right eye only, so I faked my way though the rest of the call (it was a long one, 30 minutes) and informed a supervisor that I was leaving to go to the doctor. There was no question here. Diabetic eyes are not something to be messed with. 

By the time I was heading out the door, I could see again, mostly. I was still a little disoriented but didn’t feel bad other than freaking out due to not being able to see for 30 minutes. I decided I would drive myself to the doctor since it was just down the street from my work. It turned out to be a horrible idea. The sight problems returned when I was just a few blocks from the clinic. 

I went inside and registered, and just as I suspected the doctor decided that she didn’t have the tools to evaluate me and sent me to the ER. I was NOT a fan of this idea, and it turned out to be the huge ordeal that I thought it would be. After waiting almost five hours in the waiting area, I finally was sent back to a bed. at this point it was very much midnight. 

One cute male nurse (who was my age and swore he knew me!!), nice doctor, and CT scan later, I declined to have my spine stabbed to test for brain pressure, and without further eye incident was diagnosed with ocular migraines (at this point my head was KILLING me). It sucks to have another medical issue to deal with, but it is also a VERY good thing that it wasn’t a sight issue – just a brain issue. (That’s all, right?). 

Point: I’ve been putting diabetes on the back burner for a while, dealing with the “other D” of depression, and lately focusing on weight watchers, but something came along to kick me in the rear and remind me that taking care of my diabetes needs to be part of who I am. I get overwhelmed easily and focusing on one thing at a time is usually all I can handle. When I was thinking about the last few months and how my blood glucose levels have been and how I had a perfect eye exam in March and how these things tend to come out of the blue, I realized that I can’t wait any longer to take care of myself – in all ways. There’s no excuse to be eating healthier and ignoring diabetes, because those things go hand in hand. 

I hope and pray that my readers with diabetes don’t wait for a swift kick in the eyeballs or kidneys or circulatory system in order to get themselves back on track. It’s not a fun thing to deal with complications, and it just adds to the massive amounts of guilt we feel as persons with diabetes – in some cases, feeling like having this disease is our fault, or that imperfect numbers are also completely under our control. All we can do is all we can do. I know I’m not doing all I can do. But it’s time to step back up, rejoin the community, and do everything I possibly can to make sure I have a long, happy life and have a good impact on those around me. 

That’s what this is all about, right? 

(Anyone Perfect Must Be Lying)…Combating Disease Denial as an Adult

The thing about living with a disease that requires your attention every moment of every day is that it gets annoying. 

The thing about participating in a community online that focuses on said disease is that sometimes you just don’t want to think about the fact that you have that disease. 

I am not blaming the DOC on the denial I’m currently experiencing. Nor am I blaming my involvement in the DOC. However, when you attempt to make diabetes the forefront of your life, it tends to drive you insane. 

I know I don’t have to explain this to anyone reading this. It’s just that it’s gotten out of hand. Yesterday, I certainly did not feel like getting out of bed all day. I have nothing to blame this on, except maybe sleeping on my parent’s couch last night, and the fact that my blood sugar remained steadily in the 280′s all day. 

Now I’m not positive about that level, but the two times I tested it, that’s what it was. I still think I’d be more apt to remain under control if insurance would fully cover damn continuous glucose monitoring sensors, but since they do not and I cannot afford them then they will just have to have fun covering my complications down the line. 

But you can’t blame everything on insurance, or lack thereof, or lack of funding, some of it is just darn lack of self motivation. And you can’t blame yourself for that either. Today I was walking in my kitchen, eating beanie weenies (don’t ask me why) and I thought, “Oh yeah, diabetes.” As if it had totally slipped my mind. As if I hadn’t had a chronic illness for 13 years. 

Why, after 13 years, after I finally got past the teen-and-college denial years, am I still dealing with this? I guess it’s just a general thing. We want to think of ourselves as “normal.” And for the most part, I am normal. I am a recent college grad working a sales job because it’s all I could find and struggling to make ends meet. I am a typical single 25 year old wondering if my prince will ever come. In these ways, and several more, I am typical. I am average. I am “normal.” 

Diabetes doesn’t fit into the “normal” life I tell myself I live in order to keep reality in check. “Don’t worry that you had to pay a 20 dollar late rent fee, most people your age have to do that from time to time.” “Don’t worry that you had to stay up all night after you drank three beers at the bar, most people your age have to make sure they’re sober before they sleep so their blood sugars don’t tank.” Wait, no. That’s not normal at all. I want to be able to pass out after a night out and wake up with an alcohol hangover, not a low blood sugar hangover. 

But honestly, I digress. I want to be encouraging. I want everyone who reads my blog (the few of you that are left after my hiatus) to be motivated, to have the “you can do this” attitude. 

I won’t lie, I am making changes. I am inviting people into my life who I hope and pray will keep me accountable and motivated. But I don’t know. This isn’t about looking better. This isn’t even about health down the road. If I am one thing, it is a live in the moment and don’t worry about tomorrow kind of person (which can be a blessing and a curse, because that also means impulsive). Part of how I feel is diabetes, and part is body fat ratio. But to be honest, I only care about one thing. 

It’s that… I’m 25. I don’t want to feel too old to walk up my apartment stairs anymore. 

The Return

Look for the return of updates and a re-vamped site tomorrow.

It’s one of those things. Sometimes you just need a break. Other times, you need to release.

I’m in a better place now, d- and other d- wise. And I’m excited to share my adventures, good and bad, with you guys. I have plenty to talk about and even more that I want to hear from you about.

 

Other things to enjoy:

My return to twitter (though I’ll be working through #dsma every week, sadly).

Like my blog on facebook 

 

See you tomorrow

Sometimes, the right song can speak to the heart.

Regrets collect like old friends, here to relive your darkest moments. And all of the ghouls come out to play, and every demon wants his pound of flesh. But I like to keep some things to myself. I like to keep my issues drawn. It’s always darkest before the dawn.
And I’ve been a fool, and I’ve been blind. I can never leave the past behind. I’m always dragging that horse around. Tonight I’m gonna bury that horse in the ground. So I like to keep my issues drawn, but it’s always darkest before the dawn.

It’s hard to dance with the Devil on your back,
Given half the chance, would I take any of it back?
It’s a fine romance, but it’s left me so undone
It’s always darkest before the dawn.

I am done with my graceless heart, so tonight I’m gonna cut it out and then restart.
And I’m damned if I do, and I’m damned if I don’t, so here’s to drinks in the dark at the end of my road. And I’m ready to suffer, and I’m ready to hope.
It’s hard to dance with the Devil on your back, so shake him off.

Alone in The Other D…Depression.

Many, many, many people who are involved in the Diabetes Online Community say they felt alone in their diagnosis or their illness before they found companions online who shared their struggles. This is one of the beautiful things about our community – support where elsewhere, there is none. Understanding where elsewhere, there can be none. It’s pretty darn amazing.

I’m going to share a secret. I’ve never really felt alone in my diabetes.

When I was diagnosed, I found comfort in the Babysitters Club character of Stacey, and although her treatment plans were a little dated, it felt nice to have a character in a series I’d been reading for years who was dealing with the same things I was. I even used Stacey to self-diagnose long before I was actually diagnosed. One day at school, I was drinking from the water fountain and I couldn’t stop chugging that cool, delicious water. It was the best thing I’d ever tasted. And I remember once, in a storyline where Stacey goes to the hospital for ignoring her diabetes and running very high for too long, when the character had also said that cold water was the best thing she ever tasted.

I knew, and I was not surprised, when I found out I had diabetes.

Five months after my diagnosis, a friend in my sixth grade class was also diagnosed with diabetes. It was really weird that it happened that way, but it did, and for the next three years, until I moved to Springfield, I had a companion who shared my struggles.

Now fast-forward to today. I have a great home support system and a fantastic online group of friends who support me every day. No, my struggles with diabetes do not stem from being alone.

But, like most of us, I am dealing with more than one disease.

The Other D

Depression has been plaguing my life for about five years now. And today, I have never felt so alone in anything. I am having a hard time finding anyone who can relate to my struggles. Not wanting to whine, I’m trying not to let anyone know how I am feeling about the things to come. And with my new job and impending move (out of the ‘rents place, finally, just a few weeks after my 25th birthday), I really don’t have much I should be depressed about.

But I am, and even when I find someone who I think will want to talk about it, might understand, I still get cliches and offhanded comments. This from people who I thought were my friends.

A lack of a support system is probably part of it. My mother understands, as she has been here, but with our schedules I really don’t see her much anymore. My best friends are as busy as I am, and again, currently working nights, I do not see much of them either. Work, it’s well, work, and since it’s been only two weeks I can’t say I’ve really bonded with anyone enough to call them a friend, let alone rely on them in a support system. Soon, my new insurance will force me to change hospital systems (thank you, Springfield’s sucky two party hospital system, you suck so much) and not only loose my fantastic doctors, including a PCP, endo, gyno, and eye doctor I love times a million, but also my diabetes-specialty counselor who has been the only person ever to express any understanding of where I am in both D and the other D. I’m sure I’ll find other doctors who I will love, but we all know this is a process and it’s not one I really have the energy to endure at this point.

I know many, many, many of you who regularly read my blog deal with the same issues. I’ve read many blog posts about it. And while this does make me feel slightly less alone, it’s very difficult to reach out to you – that’s just the nature of the beast.

I guess, in conclusion, I’m sharing this partly in self-therapy, and partly because I’m hoping since I’m finding myself paralyzed in reaching out to others someone will reach out to me. But in the end it will take strength from the inside to live day to day and feel like my life is meaningful. To feel like I am living the best life I can and not wasting my free time in bed, crying or sleeping. It’s not a fun process, and it’s far from easy. All I can do is hope I am up for it.

Look what I made:

Look it's me!