But they’re so easy and delicious.
I hate the high blood sugar hangover. The ones that happen when you eat foods you know you can’t bolus your way out of, and you have lots of insulin on board but are currently cruising in 200 land. For me, that’s hot pockets. The lean ones and I get along OK, but last night I borrowed a not so lean hot pocket from my roommate and suffered from this carbohydrate hangover experience.
You know how it goes. Your head aches, right around your temples. Your eyes feel foggy. You feel like you’re living in a giant cotton ball. Maybe your hands start tingling. Maybe you feel hot. Maybe you feel like if anyone messes with you, you’re going to rip their head off.
Before I really started learning about what I can eat and what I shouldn’t, and before I realized there was an issue with having sky high blood sugars after dinner (I totally thought this was normal – as in – something that you can’t get rid of), I used to just sleep these kinds of things off. Just pass out for a few hours. I still do this sometimes, but last night I felt the extent of it at 8:30 and had to keep myself awake so that I would avoid waking up and not being able to fall back to sleep at 3am.
Sometimes I can literally feel my blood sugar come down while I’m sleeping. Heart rate speeding up as the number plummets, headache slowly disappearing. I wake up just when I think I’m crashing and find myself at a respectable 110 to 140, typically. Sometimes a crash does happen, sometimes it doesn’t. It’s weird how my body can tell these things. I know I’ve been too high lately when hypoglycemic awareness welcomes itself back into my body. And considering my lack of Dexcom usage lately, this could actually be an ok thing. Except for the fact that I am spending a lot of time in the 200’s and 300’s lately. And considering I just passed my 12 year mark, and considering that not a single month of those 12 years has been spent under 7% A1C, I am kind of really freaked out about complications right now. Which is why since I finally received my shipment of test strips that I began attempting to acquire back in the beginning of October, I have started testing about a bijillion times a day again. Now I am trying to work up the courage to jab myself with Dexcom again and deal with the un-comfort and the high cost of cgms-ing. Because I know it’s worth it. My future is worth it. I want to get married. I want to have children. I want to live to see my children graduate high school. Those are the things that I want. Those are the things I am ready for (well, maybe not children, or even marriage. But I’m ready to be ready for them…does that make sense?).
I have never been a very strong person. But I am willing to learn. I am forcing myself to learn. Because I will not let this beat me. I will not let myself feel like, if I had only taken better care of myself, when I am on dialysis when I am 30. because I will not be on dialysis when I am 30. Or 40. Or even 50. Because even though I may not have had a chance to put my strength as a person into practice, I know I can be strong.
And I will not eat hot pockets for dinner.