Have you ever played that game? It’s where everyone sits in a circle, in chairs, usually folding chairs in a dingy church basement, and someone goes around and gives everyone a fruit. Someone stands in the middle and calls out, “Apple!” or “Orange!” or “Grape!” and the people named those fruits have to change seats. If that person shouts, “UPSET THE FRUIT BASKET,” everyone has to find a new seat. There’s not really an “object” or “goal,” or “winner,” just a fun game we used to play in youth group back in my middle school days.
When the fruit basket gets upset, there is mass chaos. Everyone is running around. People sit on other people. Sometimes folding chairs fall over. But someone is always left standing, and the chaos always eventually calms down.
Right now, I feel like someone shouted “UPSET THE FRUIT BASKET” to my life.
I’m going home early. I have mixed emotions (mixed fruit?) on this subject. On the one hand, I’m very, very happy for a break. On the other hand, I’m going to miss a lot of things about this place. Like the sunsets. On the other hand (since when did I mutate to have three hands?), I’m nervous and upset because I feel like everyone thinks I did something wrong to be sent home early, when that’s just not the case. This was my choice. Part of it had to do with my high blood sugars. Part of it had to do with the thought I had that I had changed my endo appointment to March while it’s actually still scheduled for February. Part of it had to do with general bordom and depression I was feeling about having few people to talk with, little opportunity to develop a social life, and being stuck inside my house due to frigid temperatures. Ok, that last part actually had the most to do with it.
Right now, I am scheduled to spend three months in South Carolina starting in March followed by four months in Yellowstone. These would both be amazing experiences and once in a lifetime opportunities. But quite frankly, I want to stay home. Well, in a sense. Really, I want to get back to what I was doing before I decided I needed a break. A huge part of me says, “Just go!” and is ready and willing to fulfill my obligations regarding these positions, but another part of me just wants things to calm down.
Like my blood sugars, for instance.
Next week I will have more answers to my questions, and in three weeks I hope to have even more answers. I have a lot of plans for fun things in the next few weeks, like a drive home with a possible ending hanging out with the bestie, a superbowl with the other bestie, a birthday, and a Valentines day trip to see my favorite guy. But once those things are over I will have to have decided what comes next, and that scares me. I typically do the easy thing, but right now there are no easy options.
Maybe my doctor will order me to stay home when I see her. (this is a joke).
I know if I wait it out long enough, all of the upset parts of my life will eventually find a seat in the circle of my brain and I will once again hit routine. But for now, the fruit basket has been upset, and everyone is running around in circles, forgetting their objective. As the “leader,” I guess I should start banging on those shiny metal folding chairs and remind them to sit down instead of screaming and running. But, for now, I’ll try to let them find their own way.