I’ve battled with this for a long time.
I have really, really, really been working on myself and those around me to accept myself the way I am and not worry about feeling like a failure because I have gained so much weight and continue to gain weight. I have really, really been trying to accept that as fact and move on.
But I can’t do it anymore. Enough was enough.
Yes, it’s a health issue. I was (still am nearly) over 100 lbs above ideal weight (according to BMI, which is crap, but for this purpose). That’s not healthy. Not healthy for diabetics or healthy people.
I’m already battling insulin resistance. Who wants double diabetes?
But it’s more than that. I’ve always been a live in the moment kinda girl. Long term scares me so I continue to not think about it. Long term results are not good motivation for me. Accepted fact about myself. Long term is overwhelming. Long term stresses me out. Forget long term.
But what about short term? What about my self esteem in the bucket? What about the fact that I constantly compare myself to those around me and allow my weight to make me feel badly about myself? What about that?
While I hate – really hate – that it comes down to cosmetic reasons that I joined Weight Watchers™, it does. Sort of.
Self confidence is something women either develop or don’t in their younger years. Most don’t. And I didn’t. I don’t blame my mom, but she battled this issue herself for many years. All though my preteen and teen years, my mother was fighting her own battle. We never talked about it. I didn’t even notice it really. Not until she underwent some big changes her self in recent months. She blogs about that, among other things. You should read it.
No, really, I can’t blame my mother. I can’t blame anyone. It was in the cards for me. A failed almost-engagement. A failed economy. A failed attempt at a career. Failure felt like it was hitting me from every angle. And I ate. And I slept. And that’s all I did.
No, there comes a time in every journey, when you shape up or ship out. I moved out in February. Got a decent (if annoying enough) job, and support myself (for the most part). I pay my rent and utilities and take care of my cats. Super self esteem boost right there. But it’s a struggle. I’ve not been officially on my own for even 8 months yet. I can’t blame myself for struggling. Again, part of life.
Confidence is the key to everything, I think. The key to diabetes management. The key to self worth. The key to self esteem. The key to success, professionally and personally. If weight loss, diabetes control, or just feeling better in general physically, contributes to my own confidence level, then the cosmetic, social, or health reasons become only secondary. Primarily I’m doing this for me.
Don’t do it for me. I’ve heard that so many times from a few different people. I want to shout, “I’M NOT! IT’S FINALLY FOR ME!” I read a quote on Pinterest – it’s about your 20’s being your selfish years. I can testify. You have to be selfish in your 20’s, especially if you’re single and chlidless. Otherwise, you don’t have another reason to live. No one else to take care of. You have to make decisions that make you happy – there’s really no one else to make happy.
Losing weight can be selfish. Diabetes control can be selfish. Not doing these things can also be selfish and hurt those around you. But while I love my family and friends with all my heart, quite honestly, my life is about me right now. And that’s why I’m doing this.