From One Nirvana on to the Next

Moving into my first dorm.

Change is one of those things that for me, and a lot of people who are 18-24, is pretty constant. You move to college for three months, then home for a month, then back to college for three months. I myself changed colleges three times before I finally graduated.

For my current job, I had to fill out a background check that had my residences and places of work for the last seven years. Seven years ago I was (almost) 17. Not only that, but I had to list each period over three weeks that I lived with my parents as a separate occurance, and each school year in the dorms as a seperate occurance.

I had 12 seperate residences and 15 separate jobs.

That means I’ve moved 12 times in the six years since I graduated from high school.

And now, I’m getting ready to change again. I still haven’t decided to what. I know for a fact I’ll be spending the next six weeks at my parent’s house in southern Missouri, but after that I’m still unsure. I know what I want to do but I just don’t know if it’s feesable at this moment. Plus, I don’t know if I want to give up the oppourtunites I’ve been offered for the next nine months. I think I might regret it.

This morning's fasting #bgnow

 

For now, there’s the packing, and the cleaning, and the not getting enough sleep, and the craziness at work, and the stress-enduced high blood sugars, like this morning. (Yet oddly enough, yesterday I woke up at 92. I don’t get it). There are parties and superbowl watching and birthdays to look forward to when I get back to Missouri. Then there’s the whole week in North Carolina thing, which I can say with certainty will be the highlight of my February.

Roommates in Salt Lake City

As I stated on Monday, I’m going to miss things here. I’m going to miss the mountains and the funny looking frost and the warm afternoons that seem to have arrived in the last few weeks. (And by warm I mean above 25F). I’m going to miss a few people, like the kids next door and the bookstore guys. I’m going to miss visiting Salt Lake City. (If it weren’t for the fog, I’d want to live there. Gorgeous).

But life goes on, things change, and you can’t stay in one nirvana forever. And Utah really was nirvana for a while. I made a new best friend, I met a new boyfriend, I discovered parts of who I am, and that’s really why I came out here in the first place.

Next week will be light on posting. I’ll be journying back to the good ole Midwest. If you’d like to voulnteer for a short-notice guest blog, let me know.

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Upset the Fruit Basket

Have you ever played that game? It’s where everyone sits in a circle, in chairs, usually folding chairs in a dingy church basement, and someone goes around and gives everyone a fruit. Someone stands in the middle and calls out, “Apple!” or “Orange!” or “Grape!” and the people named those fruits have to change seats. If that person shouts, “UPSET THE FRUIT BASKET,” everyone has to find a new seat. There’s not really an “object” or “goal,” or “winner,” just a fun game we used to play in youth group back in my middle school days.

When the fruit basket gets upset, there is mass chaos. Everyone is running around. People sit on other people. Sometimes folding chairs fall over. But someone is always left standing, and the chaos always eventually calms down.

Right now, I feel like someone shouted “UPSET THE FRUIT BASKET” to my life.

I’m going home early. I have mixed emotions (mixed fruit?) on this subject. On the one hand, I’m very, very happy for a break. On the other hand, I’m going to miss a lot of things about this place. Like the sunsets. On the other hand (since when did I mutate to have three hands?), I’m nervous and upset because I feel like everyone thinks I did something wrong to be sent home early, when that’s just not the case. This was my choice. Part of it had to do with my high blood sugars. Part of it had to do with the thought I had that I had changed my endo appointment to March while it’s actually still scheduled for February. Part of it had to do with general bordom and depression I was feeling about having few people to talk with, little opportunity to develop a social life, and being stuck inside my house due to frigid temperatures. Ok, that last part actually had the most to do with it.

Right now, I am scheduled to spend three months in South Carolina starting in March followed by four months in Yellowstone. These would both be amazing experiences and once in a lifetime opportunities. But quite frankly, I want to stay home. Well, in a sense. Really, I want to get back to what I was doing before I decided I needed a break. A huge part of me says, “Just go!” and is ready and willing to fulfill my obligations regarding these positions, but another part of me just wants things to calm down.

Like my blood sugars, for instance.

Next week I will have more answers to my questions, and in three weeks I hope to have even more answers. I have a lot of plans for fun things in the next few weeks, like a drive home with a possible ending hanging out with the bestie, a superbowl with the other bestie, a birthday, and a Valentines day trip to see my favorite guy. But once those things are over I will have to have decided what comes next, and that scares me. I typically do the easy thing, but right now there are no easy options.

Maybe my doctor will order me to stay home when I see her. (this is a joke).

I know if I wait it out long enough, all of the upset parts of my life will eventually find a seat in the circle of my brain and I will once again hit routine. But for now, the fruit basket has been upset, and everyone is running around in circles, forgetting their objective. As the “leader,” I guess I should start banging on those shiny metal folding chairs and remind them to sit down instead of screaming and running. But, for now, I’ll try to let them find their own way.

Fruit Basket Image Source

Dream Running

Last night I had a vivid dream that I was running for fun and it was easy, not hard like it is now. Was this dream predicting the future? Sent by the running gods to motivate me? Running a 5k was something I put on my goals this year, and because of the sub-zero temperatures here in the Uintah Basin I haven’t so much as ran 10 feet since the new year began.

Why on earth did I pick running? I like riding (on my bicycle), but running is something I’ve always hated. I think I just wanted a challenge this year, to do something I thought I’d never do. Plus, like so many other people, I lack motivation to exercise. Last year, when I was still with previous boy, we were in downtown Des Moines during the Dam-to-Dam race where runners can choose to run 5k, 10k, or 20k. I remember being jealous of the people who completed the race. I wanted to be a part of it.

Now that I’ve traded life on the plains for life in the mountains, it seems like it would be a good time to train while my body is used to 5,000 feet. But this damn winter has got me all a fluttered. I walk/ran a little bit in the fall before it got this cold, but since I got back on January 1 my life has been nothing short of sedentary. It’s probably just the post-holiday blues because my house has a lot of open space and there are plenty of things I can do to keep moving inside, but I am so not motivated to do much else except for watch movies in my bed.

I blame the weather.

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Resolving

(I keep promising a post detailing my travel but I am just not in the state of mind to write it at this point).

On the bright side, I did come up with a list of 11 goals I want to accomplish in 2011.

(“On the bright side” is an ironic metaphor at this point for me. It makes me think of how right now, the Uintah basin, where I live, is under an “inversion” when the warm air gets trapped above the cold air, making the temperatures frigid. For example, last night when I went to sleep it was -14, even though when they predicted last night’s low they said it would “only” get down to 1. Anyway, the point of this now-rambling side note is that  when the sun shines during an inversion, it actually gets colder! The only thing that will break the inversion is a winter storm, which we’re not expected to get until early next week).

Here are my list of 2011 goals:

1. Be healthy, look good, feel good.
2. Read, one book a week is the goal.
3. Live in 4 states (so far I am sure I will live in three!)
4. Go backcountry camping. Ben was utterly amazed I hadn’t done anything but car camp. “What kind of Park Service employee are you?” The intern kind.
5. Climb a rock wall, preferably outside, and make it to the top. This is something Ben is inerested in and something I did a lot of in high school (in the form of an inside wall with pegs) and I think it would be a fun and interesting way to get into shape.
6. Run a 5k. I’ll admit this one is kind of a stretch, but I wanted a small goal of running and I thought 1 mile was too short but 5 miles was too long, so I figured that 5k would be a good compromise.
7. Ride in the Tour de Cure – the date for the Springfield Tour de Cure may work out perfectly with when I will be heading back west after my South Carolina gig. I’m planning on bringing my bike to South Carolina as there will be a place to ride as well as nice weather to ride in!
8. A1C under 7 – and to be quite honest, I have no idea what my A1C is right now, but I am guessing it is well over 7. This one will take lots of work and persistence.
9. Attend at least 1 Diabetes Conference – I’m hoping for Diabetes Sisters Weekend for Women in April!
10. Start paying off student loans – I have far too much debt hanging over my head. Deferment needs to stop!
11. Forget about the past and live life with no regrets. If you know me personally, you probably understand what I mean here, at least a little. I’m done with school (for now, the dream of CDE still remains in the back of my mind) and ready to get on with my life. Bring it on, 2011!

Sarahndipidous Awards 2010 and a Happy New Year!

I am back! It only took me seven more days than I expected originally, but I made it safe and sound back to the frozen tundra of the West- and I do mean FROZEN – it was -20 degrees F when I woke up yesterday morning!

More on my travel adventures later. Because I was sans computer last week, I did not get to do any end-of-year blogging like everyone else did. So I am going to do it now! Oh, come on, you know you aren’t sick of it yet!

THE FIRST ANNUAL SARAHNDIPIDOUS AWARDS – 2010

(just a note: most of these awards go to myself. Either because I’m conceited or because I don’t want to leave anyone out so I leave no one in. But also because I am really too lazy to look though anyone else’s blog except my own.)

Catchiest New Blog Title: Do you really have to ask?

The Best Diabetes Buddy: Carb Counting Monkey.

The Legislation that Changed my Life: The Health Care Bill. It gave me two more years of insurance when I had only 11 months left.

Best Advice of the Year: Just Keep Swimming.

Biggest UberFail of the Year: Medco. They fail a lot.

Biggest Surprise of the Year: A tie between getting a random bottle of Diet Grape Soda from my cousin in Florida and getting invited to Roche.

Most Random and Hilarious (yet painful for one) D-Meet Up of the Year: Being in the emergency room with LeAnn and Cherise just hours after LeAnn and I first met. We vlogged.

Coolest Cousin with T1 Diabetes: My cousin Savannah, who had her second successful diabetes pregnancy this year. (Yes, that means she had a baby).

Most Dangerous Handbag: Mine. And probably most of those carried by PWD women (or men, I don’t judge).

Most Unholy Digital Symbol: The Up Arrow gets a close second, following the Double Up Arrow, of course.

Best Meal I Had All Year: Remember when my dad cooked up this delicious Blueberry Poppyseed Chicken Salad? Mmm… my mouth is watering just thinking about it (although I think it’s best saved for warmer weather, unless I pair it with some soup).

Most Insane Decision: Abandoning projects I had planned at home to head West to Utah and take on a fantastic-turned-frozen internship at Dinosaur National Monument. How crazy is that? I’m in Northeastern Utah. In January. And it’s 0 degrees as I type this. Fahrenheit.

Most Creative Awareness Idea: Surely no one can forget the first annual D-Art Day, which took place September 1 this year. I am pretty proud of how my project turned out!

Best Siblings of PWD: Of course my brothers would win this one.

Most Creative Way to Package Blood Sugar Spike Inducing Coworker Gifts: Infusion set boxes

Most Persistent Traveler Award: I would give it to myself, although those people who were stuck in New York certainly deserve it as well. Stay tuned for the story!

Now You Tell Me: What awards would you give yourself for 2010?

And HAPPY NEW YEAR!  

Why are there infusion set boxes in my fridge?

Well, why? Infusion sets are not perishable!

 

There’s cookies inside!

 

These boxes are housing my co-worker gifts. I am currently stuck at the park due to snow, so I couldn’t buy boxes or wrapping paper.

 

Here they are all wrapped up!

(sorry for the blurry phone pic)

 

Happy Holidays everyone! I’ll be back next week with tales of travel tainted by snow and scanners.

7 Days of Thanks: Day 4

Today I am thankful for:

• Social Media and the internet because it allows me to not only stay connected with my friends and family but it has allowed me to meet so many awesome people with diabetes and caregivers of people with diabetes and feel like I am not alone in this.
• Snow – it’s so pretty, and not only that but it is staying in the mountains! That means no slushy mess to get my boots wet, and I still get to see the pretty white stuff

• Zyrtec – why I have allergies in late November, I don’t know, but after three days the Zyrtec is finally starting to work and I no longer have a sinus headache!
• A free place to live – as an intern I’m considered a volunteer by the Park Service. I live in government housing for free, with only my work being my rent. It’s pretty sweet, especially considering the fact that I don’t make much money as an intern.
• Sliverton the Blood Glucose Meter – he’s got my back.

• Having people to spend thanksgiving with – I will be headed to my neighbor’s house to feast this Thursday. I am so happy to not have to sit at home on Thanksgiving.
• Plane tickets home for Christmas – thanks Mom and Dad, I can’t wait!

Please Remind Me

Please remind me that I do in fact have diabetes, and that just because I’m lazy is no reason to forget about it and eat whatever I want and go back to checking my blood sugar 2 times a day instead of 10 and disregard Dexcom all together.

 

Please remind me that people die from this disease and it’s not a joking matter.

 

Please remind me that I’m still human and bouts of burnout, apathy, and denial are normal and I should not be feeling guilty about this.

 

Please remind me that it’s harder to get back on the horse when it hurts when you fall off.

 

Please remind me to grow up and stop being a child about everything in my life, including my stupid disease.

 

Please remind me you’re all still there and you still care.

 

Please remind me that it’s just life and it is what it is.

Good Days. Maybe.

I think I like today. I think it’s good. It’s something I can’t get my head around. -Angels and Airwaves

The other evening, when the (fantastic) roommate and I were hanging out with the guy who lives on the other side of the apartment complex, he asked me this question:

“So aside from this job, what’s new in your life?”

Honestly?

I graduated from college.

I broke up with my boyfriend.

I moved to Utah.

That’s about it as far as happenings in my life.

I mean, those things are pretty huge. Like, life shaking huge. And I am still adjusting. Maybe I’m not adjusting, maybe that’s why my blood sugars are constantly high and when they’re not high they’re in the basement and I can’t seem to hold things together emotionally.

It was a nasty breakup.

It was a big move.

Honestly, things like this have happened in my life, but not since I started taking care of my diabetes. I haven’t felt this much emotional turmoil in a long time. And now I feel sick all day long. I don’t want to test (but I do) and sometimes I forget to take my insulin (I mean how hard is it to push a dang button?). But essentially it’s like I’m back in college again and I don’t like it.

I’m hoping things will settle down. I’ve made some friends here but most of them will be leaving in a few months. I am eternally grateful that I have internet access so I can keep in touch with people back home as well as my beloved Diabetes Online Community. I’m not sure I’d survive sans the net. Last night was hard. Killer. But today is beautiful. And there’s going to be some hiking, and some praying, and some more taking it one day at a time.

Oh yeah, and bg tests and insulin. That’s gonna happen too.

Tales of Desert Altitude

If you’ve seen some of my pictures on facebook, you may have noticed that I live in a desert.

A very hot desert in the summer (it’s cooling off now but was still about 95 degrees F for the average high when I got here) and a very cold desert in the winter (I have heard it could get as low as -30 F!).

The reason it gets hot and cold like this is because of the altitude. The park sits at about 5,000 feet on average, and that’s about a 3,500 feet difference than what I’m used to at home.

Needless to say, after about a week, I am feeling kind of sick.

I’m very not used to 9 percent humidity. This time of year at home they are at about 50 percent, and upwards to 90-100 before it rains. At night it gets up there too because their dew point is so high right now. But here, in the daytime, the humidity so far has sat around 10 percent. That’s a desert. And that is hurting my body and destroying my hope for good blood sugars a week or two into my stay here.

Bleck.

I’ve stopped drinking anything besides water. Today I woke up with a stomach ache and absentmindedly brewed some coffee. Uhm, not happening. I can’t even fathom choking down cereal right now. And I was hydrated before I went to sleep. My body won’t be ready for food until about 9am, probably. And it’s making it really hard for me to stay out of the 200’s, and when I come down I come down hard. I’ve gone though one giant bag of skittles and am about to finish off a smaller one, and the only complex carbs I have left are a few crackers and some bread. Needless to say, lows are not my friend, especially while trying to give a guided tour to a group of 80 people.

I am not trying to be a downer, but this is what is happening in my life right now. It’s frustrating enough dealing with a change in altitude and temperature and humidity, but throwing diabetes and stress (I had to switch apartments about a week after I got here) makes it all the more difficult.

But it will get better. It has to get better. Our bodies adjust. They fall in to routine. Six months should give me plenty of time for that. Heck, I never have had the same schedule for more than four months since high school. So bring it on, altitude, weather, and all. I can handle it and so can my diabetes.