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Ode to Smokey
I remember when we first found you. My dad was taking me to softball practice. I was 14 years old and we were still living in Drexel, MO. We nearly ran you over, when Dad said you were a cat I made him stop and we picked you up. He held you while we practiced. The other girls held and petted you too.
We took you home that evening and Mom was a little furious. She did not like cats. She thought we were clearly NOT cat people. Not to mention the fact that we’d been through puppy after puppy without much luck, always giving them away. She went to the grocery store (the only one in town) and looked for a sign for a missing kitten in the window. All she saw were free kitten signs. This is when we realized you had probably been dumped.
I thought you were a girl and wanted to name you Amelia. Everyone else voted me down and we chose Smokey for your color. Apparently a 14 year old girl could not tell girl parts from boy parts on a cat because when you returned from the vet with your shots and sans claws, you were also sans kitty-boy parts. “We neutered him” said the vet. My family thought this was hilarious. I didn’t care, in my eyes you were my cat and that’s all I wanted.
That summer, a few months later, we moved to Springfield, MO. After growing up in very small towns it was a scary experience. The summer wasn’t too bad, our neighborhood was safe enough to ride bikes and I spent a lot of time playing with the little kitten. You were there to comfort me during school when I couldn’t find any friends.
Mom used to let you explore the back yard. When she was finishing her college degree, she made the screened in back porch her “office” and let you out where she could see you. Sometimes you climbed on top of the privacy fence but you never ran away. When we adopted the big dogs we thought they might eat you so we didn’t let you go out anymore. You didn’t like that, so sometimes we let you out in the front yard. One night we thought we lost you, but after looking for you with a flashlight you were waiting patiently on the porch for someone to let you back in.
The time you were there for me the most was during a tumultuous relationship that lasted more than three years. Every time I was at home and he and I were fighting, when I’d get off the phone crying, there you’d be, rubbing your face against my leg, begging you to pet me. It was nice because when you were smaller you didn’t want much attention.
When you got older you started liking to sleep up against a human. Several nights you slept with your back pressed against mine on my bed. The older you got, the more affectionate you became. I truly appreciated that because I always wished you were more affectionate when you were smaller.
Now we have new baby Wiz and I am thankful that you taught her your kitty ways. She not only looks just like you, but she begs for food the way you did, she kneads my bed before she lays down the way you did, and she even sleeps in some of the same positions you did. Once I even caught her rubbing her face against my computer the way you did. Crazy cats. She’ll miss playing with you.
I’ve never had a pet die, at least, not while being directly aware of it
and not one I was so close to. I always think of pets as animals that can be replaced, and while I still do think this to a certain point, I will not let you go un grieved. Maybe it’s cliche to call a cat one of my best friends, but without going past the crazy point, you sure were. I love you smokey, smokester, big, biggun, lil buddy, Smokey my cat. I’ll remember you forever.
12 Things I Want in 2012
Get Employed
Get Healthy
Get out of my parents house
Get a 4.0 twice
Get some cooking skills
Get rid of caffeine addiction
Get better at blogging
Get on the bike for Tour de Cure
Get out of debt
Get exercising
Get more sleep and a new bed
Get a mental health professional
One a month seems doable, right?
Looking Back
Entering myself in the barrage of new year posts, I have come to realize that blogging about goals and accomplishments each new year has it’s benefits: keeping track of the goals I set to see if I reached them somewhere I can’t lose so long as I have an internet connection.
In 2011, a lot of things didn’t happen that I had planned. I was supposed to be continuing my work for the Park Service. But, when I faced a bout of severe depression, I decided that it was better for me (and what I really wanted) to continue on the track to becoming a Diabetes Educator. And overall, that’s the decision I was most proud of this year. It will take 2.5 more years, but I am very excited what those 2.5 years will hold!
Here’s my list of some of my 2011 goals:
1. Be healthy, look good, feel good.
Well, while I may not completely feel like I have met this goal, I didn’t go without trying. And I have for one felt better this year, with my parade of depression medications – but I’ve also felt some of the worst days. However, I have at least come to terms with how I look, and accepted my recent weight gain. And I didn’t gain any significant weight throughout the year; I weigh about the same as when I got home from UT. So that’s pretty exciting.
2. Read, one book a week is the goal.
This didn’t happen, but I did read more than I usually do.
My local "four states"
3. Live in 4 states
Well, I did have the opportunity to live in four states, but I didn’t take it. I decided to give up jobs in South Carolina and Wyoming in favor of going back to school. So this year, I have only lived in two states.
4. Run a 5k.
I didn’t even train, uberfail.
5. Ride in the Tour de Cure
GOAL ACCOMPLISHED! I registered at the last minute, and raised 300 dollars in 10 days so my dad and I could BOTH ride, but it was an amazing (yet difficult without training) experience. 16 miles doesn’t sound like much, but I live in the Ozarks. Talk about some hills.
Dad and Me
It's pretty.
6. A1C under 7 – and to be quite honest, I have no idea what my A1C is right now, but I am guessing it is well over 7. This one will take lots of work and persistence.
Well, I only had my a1c tested twice this year (don’t judge! I have an appointment in early February). Most recently, it was 8.4. I have been letting diabetes slide to the back burner as I deal with depression. More on this in later posts. (Besides, I’m learning that its just a number).
7. Attend at least 1 Diabetes Conference
George Simmons, Beatrice Dominguez, Me, and Scott Johnson in San Diego, 2011
Technically I went to the Roche conference in San Diego last summer, but I wanted this to be one I funded on my own. I also went to Simonpalooza, a large meet-up in Kansas City in October, which wasn’t a conference but was a lot of fun. I have no regrets on this one but still want to attend a “real” conference.
8. Start paying off student loans.
I made one payment before I went back to school. So yes, I “started!”
9. Forget about the past and live life with no regrets. If you know me personally, you probably understand what I mean here, at least a little. I’m done with school (for now, the dream of CDE still remains in the back of my mind) and ready to get on with my life. Bring it on, 2011!
I don’t know what to say about this goal. Personally, this year was exciting to say the least. I’m not sure how I feel on the regret front, but I definitely feel better about this past year than I did about 2010. And that “dream” that was in the back of my mind is now the first thing on my mind and my sole purpose in life at the moment. Believe me, that is a good thing.
I’m not sure who really enjoys reading about other people’s goals, but since I have kept this blog strictly for me and not for others, I am not going to worry about that part. Tomorrow you can read about my goals for 2012. I did remove a few goals from this list that pertained to work with the parks service, or at least being in an area where I had easy access to things like rock climbing and backcountry camping. This year I plan on doing the same: making goals that will be easily attainable based on my lifestyle, but realize that, like last year, the things I have planned could change, even drastically.
But above all, I resolve these two things:
Once Upon a Christmas Night…..A Diabetes Tale
Peacefully asleep on Christmas night, I roll over in a routine manner for me. This time, I feel a tug in my stomach. My insulin pump has slipped out of the waistband in my pants and wrapped around my abdomen.
Almost without waking up, my hand jumps to the area of the tug. I had intended to check to be sure it was still inserted, and my fingers feel an intact infusion set, but I wake up enough to realize my fingers were wet. Something isn’t right here.
I wake up nearly fully now, and in the light of the TV I’d fallen asleep watching, I reach for my pump to check the time while ripping the infusion set from my body. 3:36 am. My TV is playing an infomercial. I ignore it. I realize that my head is pounding and my mouth is dry. I grab my monitor and stick the test strip in. I can’t find the lancing device. It’s buried somewhere in my purse. I come across an unused lancet. I pull the top off and attempt to stab my finger without the aid of the pokey-thingy.
It takes two or three attempts, but finally I am able to jab the sharp needle into my finger. 5. 4. 3. 2. 1. Finally the screen shows 336. It casually crosses my mind that my blood sugar is the same as the time. I am ready to pass out and go back to sleep, but I know I must reinsert an infusion set into my skin. Another needle.
I dig into the side table drawer where I keep my supplies. I’m out of cartridges. I get up from my bed and pull out another box from my “stash”. Infusion set. Insulin. What am I missing? Ah, alcohol wipe. I dig until I find a solitary one at the bottom of the drawer. I don’t know where I put the box, but at this point, I don’t care. I just want to finish this and get back to sleep.
I rewind the pump while filling the cartridge. It doesn’t take as long and I stare at the pump while it finishes its business. After what feels like forever, I finish the process by shoving a needle under my skin and then taking it out, leaving a thin plastic cannula to deliver the insulin into my body. I bolus for the high blood sugar and turn off my light.
But I can’t sleep. I keep thinking that I might be dehydrated, or have ketones, and that I should really get up and check them and drink some water. At this point, I’m fully awake. I check my ketones using a urine strip. This is more difficult than it sounds and typically messy. They are negative. I am relieved. I head to the kitchen and drink an entire 16 oz glass of water in about ten seconds. That’s how thirsty I feel.
Once I make it back to my bed, I still can’t sleep. I get my computer out to blog my experience. Why do I choose to share this with others? I don’t want sympathy. I don’t need attention. I simply want to promote awareness and let you know…..
What It’s Like.
Merry Christmas!
Heads up, the new year will bring new content and some surprises. I hope that you and yours have a fantastic holiday season, whatever religion you may be. I will be spending lots of time with family and counting lots of carbs!
Wishing you a holiday season full of good blood glucose levels!
“Is it Winter or Something?” – Dealing with Diabetes Guilt
Finally caught up on my DOC reading, I have noticed a trend.
Negativity – and not in a hateful sort of way, but in an “I’m really frustrated with myself because I feel like I’m failing” kind of way.
While my first instinct would have been encouragement, I honestly can say right now that I don’t feel like I have any weight to encourage anyone, because I have to say I feel the same way.
My blood sugar monitoring has dropped to pre-DOC levels. Some days I don’t test at all. I could blame my “Other D” resurgence, I could blame my lack of continuous glucose monitor, or I could blame a genuine disheartening. But playing the blame game does absolutely nothing for my health or myself.
In some ways, the last few weeks have left me feeling better. I (dangerously, and would not encourage ANYONE to replicate my decision) discontinued use of my anti-depressant, which I suspected was giving me side-effect headaches. The headaches have declined but have not gone away completely. My depression symptoms have increased, but not much, which leads me to believe that the meds were not doing their job. One bonus is that I have been sleeping at night, although not through the whole night – I have been waking up almost every night between 3 and 5 am to blood sugars of 200 mg/dl or higher.
WTF?
Is it the weather? Is it the time change? I know that last year, this type of thing started around this time, but I blamed it on being alone most of the time since my roommate had just left, her internship tenure expiring. But this year I’m safely with my family, and have a lot of social interaction with friends. I am jobless again, which doesn’t help, but seriously. December is supposed to be a happy time, and I admit, Christmas traditions both old and new have been helping me cope, but sometimes it just isn’t enough.
Things get overwhelming quickly. I want to buy my loved ones gifts, but I am broke. Cleaning and organizing my things would make me feel better, but I can’t find the energy to do it. Staying at home, I’m experiencing blood sugar spikes almost every time I eat anything with a small amount of carbohydrates, I end up with a nap inducing blood sugar spike. I basically feel like I am in a fog.
So much of diabetes care has to come from within us.
To really feel as though we are living healthy, “normal” lives, much of our care depends on our determination and ability to continue to do the same things over and over again: count carbs, change the infusion set, bolus the insulin, test the blood sugar, let go of our hard-earned dollars to buy the precious medications that keep us alive. Check for ketones, and make the decision whether this episode of the flu warrants a trip to the emergency room or not. Burnout sneaks up on us like a grinch stealing Christmas. All we can do is all we can do. The trick is to not look at the numbers, not feel guilty for past mistakes. It can be hard. I am terrified of the day I realize my life is shortened because of my own mistakes. For the time when I am told I can’t have children because of my lack of control. When I lose the use of my feet or my hands lose feeling, and I lose the ability to play the piano or type a blog. When I lose my sight and can no longer drive a car, losing my personal freedom. When kidney failure causes my family to lose me. But these things are not things that should be dwelt on. Each day is a new day. The other day I posted this facebook status:
“Things seem ok when you take it one step at a time.”
Test this meal. Count these carbs. Drag my butt to the gym today. Don’t worry about tomorrow. Forget about yesterday. One step at a time is the only way to live life with diabetes without bogging yourself down with guilt.
And it’s the only way I want to live.
Thankfulness.
I am eternally thankful for:
- My family and friends who make up my amazing support system
- The Diabetes Online Community for diabetes support when no one else understands
- Fredrick Banting and Charles Best, and their work that resulted in my life today.
- Advanced technology – making better diabetes care possible, and making it possible to communicate with people with diabetes all over the world
- Being blessed enough to be able to eat until I can’t move on thanksgiving
- My amazing parents for allowing me to live under their roof and eat their food and their help with my diabetes costs
- Living in a country where I enjoy numerous freedoms that I might not have elsewhere in the world
- All of the men and women who keep this country safe and fight for me to keep those freedoms
- That despite my chronic illness, I am healthy and happy
Happy Thanksgiving, bloggies. I am thankful for you, my readers, too!
(Sorry I’ve been absent this month. Normal stuff happens).
Solution to Diabetes Crossword
Solution
+ + E S T U B I N G + + + M + + + + G + + + C + + + + S + E + + + + + + + + + E + + L + + + A + + + + + O + I T D I A B E T E S + T U + + + R + + + + + + C + + N E + + + + + + + + C E + + B E + + + + + + U + + + F B + + + + + + A + + R O + X + + + + + + L + + + + U T + + + + G + + + H + + E P + + + + + G + + + + + S A + + O + + + Y + + + R U + + + + + + + N + + + + I E N + + + D + + + + C M + + + + + + + + I + + + + O W + + R + + + + + I P + + + + + + + + + L + + + + N S A + + + + + + S + + + + + + + + + + + U + + + + T + + + + + + + E + + + + + + + + + + + + S + + E + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + N + + + + + + + Y + + + + + + + + + + + + + + T + + I + + + + + T + + + + + + + + + + + + + + E + + + + + + + + I + + + + + + + + + + + + + + C + + + + + + N + N + H + + + + + + + + + + + + N + + + + + + + I U + O + + + + + + + + + E C N A R E V E S R E P M + P E R U C + + + + + + + + L + + + + + + + + M R E + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + O + O + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + C + + F + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + T E G N I R Y S + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + E + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + M + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + (Over,Down,Direction) CARBOHYDRATE(23,1,SW) COMMUNITY(10,21,NE) CURE(19,18,W) DIABETES(7,3,E) EXERCISE(21,4,S) GLUCAGON(19,1,SW) GLUCOSE(3,7,N) HOPE(17,16,SW) INFUSION(5,3,SE) INSULIN(11,14,NW) LANCET(3,19,NE) METER(14,1,SE) METFORMIN(13,24,N) PERSEVERANCE(12,18,W) PUMP(22,6,S) SWEATBETES(13,10,NW) SYRINGE(20,22,W) TUBING(5,1,E)
DIABETES CROSSWORD
I made this here.
Diabetes Awareness Month
G N E S T U B I N G H V H M N G B M G N R Z C G T R D S S E B X H W V C B P P E Z E L J L G A G S A Z Y O H I T D I A B E T E S S T U D C A R Y M K Q W N C X I N E H A I R T K C W C E Y S B E Y G H P T U U Z R K F B J Y D F P J A N I R O R X G W N S J X L H Z J V U T X X D Z G H S N H Y I E P W D Y I K G N I X S O S A L V O H E U Y M I B R U G E S Z P C D N B M E R I E N L O N D K H M R C M I S X S R I Y X I J X O I O W P D R Q A U V U I P E Z K X S C I M W L S F Y N N S A A U Z E Z L S Q P W T G O W J V W C U G O R V T Z V V W L Z X E H S Z X K C U V Z S F Y S P Z E B T O O K U N M D C B P Y R W C D D M N G V N J V L E B W H Y Z O W D J C L A T A V Q A D T Z X I E Z O D C T S M K J W J B U S S O T Q R E P A W X J V M O I F Y L Z J L F B D H K I D M C T W W E G A N R N G H S T R F I P C A U Z A K N J I A L J Z H I U I O Y W A G Y T Z V D E C N A R E V E S R E P M P P E R U C G N R H L L V K L W J W I G Y H V M R E M G K N T R T V U S J E O J T F A Q M R C O H O U B H X P X Z B S G K X F Z R X F C B W X C M U F G N Q O O A B V G Q I C R X A L I Y J M J R R F T E G N I R Y S M U J N T M Y U A W R O J E W S X E T A W S S Y U G L Z I T T W N A U L U L Z W S G M D B R B W G Z S N X H A X X D K P W Q B H V T A S C O X J M T K T Q O S A CARBOHYDRATE COMMUNITY CURE DIABETES EXERCISE GLUCAGON GLUCOSE HOPE INFUSION INSULIN LANCET METER METFORMIN PERSEVERANCE PUMP SWEATBETES SYRINGE TUBING Solution tomorrow!!
The SaJaBla Life 