The thing about living with a disease that requires your attention every moment of every day is that it gets annoying.
The thing about participating in a community online that focuses on said disease is that sometimes you just don’t want to think about the fact that you have that disease.
I am not blaming the DOC on the denial I’m currently experiencing. Nor am I blaming my involvement in the DOC. However, when you attempt to make diabetes the forefront of your life, it tends to drive you insane.
I know I don’t have to explain this to anyone reading this. It’s just that it’s gotten out of hand. Yesterday, I certainly did not feel like getting out of bed all day. I have nothing to blame this on, except maybe sleeping on my parent’s couch last night, and the fact that my blood sugar remained steadily in the 280’s all day.
Now I’m not positive about that level, but the two times I tested it, that’s what it was. I still think I’d be more apt to remain under control if insurance would fully cover damn continuous glucose monitoring sensors, but since they do not and I cannot afford them then they will just have to have fun covering my complications down the line.
But you can’t blame everything on insurance, or lack thereof, or lack of funding, some of it is just darn lack of self motivation. And you can’t blame yourself for that either. Today I was walking in my kitchen, eating beanie weenies (don’t ask me why) and I thought, “Oh yeah, diabetes.” As if it had totally slipped my mind. As if I hadn’t had a chronic illness for 13 years.
Why, after 13 years, after I finally got past the teen-and-college denial years, am I still dealing with this? I guess it’s just a general thing. We want to think of ourselves as “normal.” And for the most part, I am normal. I am a recent college grad working a sales job because it’s all I could find and struggling to make ends meet. I am a typical single 25 year old wondering if my prince will ever come. In these ways, and several more, I am typical. I am average. I am “normal.”
Diabetes doesn’t fit into the “normal” life I tell myself I live in order to keep reality in check. “Don’t worry that you had to pay a 20 dollar late rent fee, most people your age have to do that from time to time.” “Don’t worry that you had to stay up all night after you drank three beers at the bar, most people your age have to make sure they’re sober before they sleep so their blood sugars don’t tank.” Wait, no. That’s not normal at all. I want to be able to pass out after a night out and wake up with an alcohol hangover, not a low blood sugar hangover.
But honestly, I digress. I want to be encouraging. I want everyone who reads my blog (the few of you that are left after my hiatus) to be motivated, to have the “you can do this” attitude.
I won’t lie, I am making changes. I am inviting people into my life who I hope and pray will keep me accountable and motivated. But I don’t know. This isn’t about looking better. This isn’t even about health down the road. If I am one thing, it is a live in the moment and don’t worry about tomorrow kind of person (which can be a blessing and a curse, because that also means impulsive). Part of how I feel is diabetes, and part is body fat ratio. But to be honest, I only care about one thing.
It’s that… I’m 25. I don’t want to feel too old to walk up my apartment stairs anymore.