Without going into too much personal detail, I’ll offhandedly mention I’m talking to a new guy. Late night phone conversations during Diabetes Awareness Month and during my own campaign to tame my 200+ blood sugars would inevitably lead the conversation to the diabetes topic.
Last night, I became very frustrated. It wasn’t that he wasn’t being understanding, he was. It was that I was having trouble finding the way to put into words how handling diabetes affects me mentally, how it’s more than just taking medication and watching your diet, how it’s every hour every minute every second of the day thinking about how I’m feeling, what my meter says, how much insulin is left in my pump, what I’m eating, how each and every activity will affect my blood sugar, am I drinking enough water? Do I have ketones? Do I need some glucose tabs? Is that stomach ache because my blood sugar is rapidly falling or because I am headed in the direction of DKA?
Needless to say, getting on the topic of Things that Frustrate me About Diabetes made me, well, angry.
I know I’m not the only person who has been there. The thoughts of, “Why me? Why is MY pancreas broken? How is this fair? How is this even right?” began flooding my mind and I started crying. Crying, on the phone! I silently prayed that it would all be taken away from me, knowing my prayers were in vain. At least, for now.
I can’t express the anger and frustration I felt last night, that I feel anytime I think about the “bigger picture.” Fact is, anger and frustration are typical parts of living with any type of chronic or terminal illness. And while I can’t understand how people with cancer feel, last night I was feeling like Diabetes is terminal. You can do everything right and still wind up with complications, still wind up dying prematurely. I can’t get these thoughts out of my head sometimes. I want kids. I want a family. I want to grow old with my future husband. I want to live to see my grandchildren. Most people want these things, but most people take it for granted that they will happen – I can only pray every day that they will happen.
I’m sorry to write such a downer post during Diabetes Awareness Month. But awareness- awareness means bringing more people to understanding about the disease. This disease can be killer physically – both in the “Oh, that workout was killer” “oh, that high blood sugar was killer” sense and the literal, “you’re dead from diabetes” sense. But it also takes its toll emotionally and physically. Sometimes I doubt God made me strong enough to be able to handle it, especially when bouts of “the other D” are thrown in with it.
All I can do, being as I’m not a scientist, is ask for your support and support from my own means as much as I can. Today I want to do that by urging you, again, to be a part of Diabetes Research Internationals’ “Be a Part of the Cure” program. Have ten bucks? You can support an organization largely believed to be our best hope for a cure AND upload a photo of yourself or someone you love with diabetes to the “CURE” collage. It’s an awesome project. I hope every letter gets filled with tiny photos. And I hope one of them is yours.
frustration and anger are a part of everyones life. for sure. sorry you were upset last night. I hope today gets much better. I have those same concerns and fears. I try to focus on the positive and be thankful for what we have right now in this present moment. It sounds terrible, but if i drop low this afternoon and don’t wake up…. do those that I love know that I love them? Do I know that they love me? Yep….
Living life instead of fearing death. easier said than done.
BTW- enjoy your new talking 🙂 glad you have some new happiness to go with the awesome mountain views!
As my dad always says when I start feeling this way, “Life is a terminal illness.” It kind of helps put things in perspective. Something will kill us. We just happen to have a really good idea what it will be and I think that’s what angers us. Mortality is a little more up front and center to us than other people, but that doesn’t mean that it wouldn’t happen otherwise. Not having diabetes won’t save us from the same fate. We just have a clearer picture of what death looks like. When it’s a mystery, it’s easier to push away and focus on the now. I remember when I first realized that when I was diagnosed at age 8, it was actually because I was dying. Literally. That was a very scary realization.
I like this a lot Allison. Thank you. 🙂
We get frustrated with G because he’s frustrated at his diabetes. It’s frustrating for us as parents (particularly me, as his mom) because we are so helpless. I understand your post completely. Thanks for putting it in words.
Big hugs and we’ve all been there. You shouldn’t be sorry for writing this most during this month-heck, we live with it on a day to day bases. People need to read the truth. Btw, congrats on meeting the new guy.